I guess I should mention: my parents were totes into purity culture, so I definitely wasn’t having sex or babies until after I was married. That didn’t quell her excitement though, because now it would be physically possible in like 6 years.

I am the crusher of my mom’s dream (of simultaneous pregnancy), and I have no regrets.

 

(Because of what it means)

I.

red stain on pink
in a tree
in the summer
doing homework

pointing
everyone knew
everyone noticed
everyone but her

embarrassed she ran
terrified
stained
ashamed

not just because the publicity of the moment
because of everything it meant
everything she hoped to avoid

adults were proud
kids were worried
she didn’t even know what she was feeling

horror
shame
pain
sadness

resolve

II.

internalized anger
internalized hate
over something uncontrollable

Because of everything it means
to be fully grown
because of abilities
responsibilities
more things to be afraid of

pain
rage
depression
okay

the cycle goes on
muted for years
in the toxicity of existence
internalized

III.

Later recognized
as symptoms became worse
discovering the root of the cause
so many roots
a tangled web
of reasons and fears

pain is more intense
rage is more explosive
depression doesn’t end

internalizing results in fantasy
mutilation
would solve the problem
eliminate the ability completely
or so it feels

but she knows it wouldn’t solve anything
though the thought comforts
the intensity
the desire
to end it all

the fear
the potential
the pain
the shame because of what it means

IV.

It’s a love-hate
One day late means panic
Antidepressants keep the urge to plunge knives into the abdomen in a distant land
pain is on the verge of tolerable

there’s less shame
still fear
paranoia keeps her safe
or so she feels

she hates the symptoms
she hates the result
she hates the discomfort and the pain
but at the same time
the consistency is what keeps her
from panicking

one day late and it’s panic
talking down into reason
because stress effects everything
because of what it means