When I was little I was – well, still am – terrified of snakes. The house I lived in until I was 10 was in the slightly more rural area of the city, and we’d find a lot of snakes, mostly of the garden variety, but occasionally there’d be a rattlesnake. I used to have nightmares about them. There quiet and slithery and creepy, which I guess is why I drew one, that sort of is more of a mix between a dragon and a snake.

This week has been really really rough and it’s been all I can do to try and salvage my calm. Today I just kind of lost it and was on the verge of a full-on mental breakdown. I suddenly felt trapped in my space with not enough room to live, and very little recourse. We’ve been working in the kitchen since Thanksgiving because of our roof issues – the kitchen table has been a shared desk, and besides the obvious two-imacs-on-one-table-issue, the kitchen is sort of a trigger itself. I don’t do well if I have to be in there for very long. This is why I don’t ever bake 5 dozen cookies, I just can’t deal. For the last month and a half my computer has been facing the kitchen sink (i.e. the kitchen, and the disaster it contains) and I’ve been increasingly loosing my calm from having to be in the kitchen ALL DAY every day because that’s where my computer lives.

So, Anyway, there’s been a lot culminating, and some of the things that happened this week and today were enough to make me frantically searching for something, trying to find SOME space that I can have that is MY space. I moved back into the living room – my desk is on the side that doesn’t leak (yet), so I set up my computer and my tablets and lit a candle and that helped a lot.

I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of overcoming – from waking up with a flashback yesterday and working through that funk and becoming familiar with strengths I had that originated from pain. It’s been very feelsy and intense.

I feel kinda bad because I’ve been so heavy lately – twitter’s had the brunt of that, but it’s…part of my life at the moment, and I have to go with it. Winter and Spring seem to be the times I do a lot of heavy thinking, maybe it’s the lack of sun.

I have to guard my calm with everything I have and remind myself that it’s okay (i.e. I’m obligated to take care of myself, not the entire world, so shut up, guilt) and worth it.